I don't know if I'm grown up yet. That is such a weird thing to admit. First I wonder what grown-up means? Does it mean that you are rich and successful and have it all together? Hmm, or does it mean I am doing exactly what I want to do, living where I should and on my way to enlightenment?
I simply don't think I'm there yet. I'm almost 35 and I have no idea if this is what I want to be. I do have some fun at work but not everyday and mostly I'm just frustrated at work. This body is not mine, I'm sure of it. This lumpy mess of me isn't really me, but I have no drive to change that. I want to be comfortable and that's my problem. I don't want to change a thing because I'm scared.
Oh, boy! Time for the truth now. I don't want to make any waves or disappoint anyone, especially myself so I keep myself mediocre on purpose. Wow, revelation! Yes, no one expects much of me because I don't want to stand out or have people expect I'll keep being outstanding. We went to a work awards dinner and some people got recognized for being exceptional and I didn't. My husband commented that he was surprised I didn't get anything and I told him that I wasn't surprised and never expected to win. Ahh, there are my expectations, zero! He said, but, I thought you were a really good worker. I stopped and pondered, and told him that I was a very good worker, I just didn't really tell anyone or talk about it, I just kept my head down and did my job. I don't want to be in the limelight and I don't want the responsibility that comes with it. The really jacked up thing is that a little voice inside me thinks I do like attention just fine. I never want to put myself out there because I'm afraid of being rejected. I'm afraid to lose!
I never expected this post to be a therapy session, but here it is! I'm always thinking that something is missing, but what if there isn't anything missing and this is it. This is as good as it gets! Would I be happy with that? The answer, maybe? My husband told me once to act like you are dying tomorrow, what would I change if I could.
1. I want a nicer job. I work like a dog at work and I'm so tired, I'd like an easier job. Just not sure what that is yet?
2. I would have wished I read more and watched t.v. less.
3. I wished I would have spent more time outside.
4. I would wish I finished my son's baby book. (still not finished, but maybe this will prompt me.)
I'm sure this list will grow...I'll get back to you on how this is working. Just don't expect much of me because I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Starting something again...
I love to start things but hate to finish them. Most of the world is like this. What is it about the beginning that is so appealing? I love the beginning of a new relationship, or starting a new project. I love all the preparation and excitement that goes on in my head. I have all the supplies, and everything is laid out, now lets start! So much fun. The creative juices are starting to flow, it looks great! Flash forward to about 2 weeks in...It's a chore to keep going at the same speed, my ideas are running out and I have nowhere else to run to. So frustrating!! I am starting this blog to discuss my addictions, misgivings, and imperfections and maybe as I grow and figure somethings out I can teach others along the way.
I started a Novel, yes, a novel last year. I told myself that I would finish it in one year. It became a huge task. The research alone was daunting! I wanted to make a period piece. It's what I love and am drawn to, so as they say, do what you love. I wasn't loving the work so much. I love the story I've created but am so focused on the details that I'm not enjoying it anymore. My husband bought me a laptop because I insisted I needed my own instrument for writing. It's sitting in my craft room at present gathering dust!
The inspiration to write this novel came to me very simply when I was looking out the window daydreaming for a moment. I was working on planting the bank with ground cover and what a job that was. I was sore and tired and imagined myself as a slave forced to work at that pace daily. The first sentence of my book came to me "The wind swept through my hair and gave me a chill." It totally spring boarded from there, but I quickly lost momentum. I would have little twinklings of inspiration now and again and I would quickly write them on scrap pieces of paper. I have a whole box of them. The worst was when I wouldn't have a pen or paper to write with. (Back then I had no iphone with voice record). Now I have no excuse, but the ideas won't flow. I go back in forth in time in my story, I focus on different characters, I'm a mess! I wish the story would come to me in order, beginning, middle and end!
How do you write a novel? I have done research and there's plenty of advice out there. How do I make myself finish? Do I need to hire someone to threaten me? Would that do it? I thought that telling others would make me more motivated because they were expecting me to finish. That didn't do it, that just embarrassed me when they asked how it's coming along. My husband even found an audio file from family guy where Stewie is talking to Brian the dog about his Novel. Argh, if you don't know what I'm talking about, google it, it's terrible! I always feel so disappointed when I hear it, I smile, but on the inside I'm thinking...failure!!
I've tried scheduling it. They say you should schedule time to be creative and then you'll get stuff done. A schedule, for something that happens randomly...I laugh! I don't believe you can make yourself be creative. I'm not like that and I don't think most people can force themselves to think of things. Or can you? Maybe it's my environment or the tools? I've thought of that. I have a craft room, I have about a million pens and that damn laptop.
Don't even get me started on how much stuff everyone owns! Wait, what was I talking about in the first place? Oh, that's right, my novel...ya, I'll get to it someday!!
I started a Novel, yes, a novel last year. I told myself that I would finish it in one year. It became a huge task. The research alone was daunting! I wanted to make a period piece. It's what I love and am drawn to, so as they say, do what you love. I wasn't loving the work so much. I love the story I've created but am so focused on the details that I'm not enjoying it anymore. My husband bought me a laptop because I insisted I needed my own instrument for writing. It's sitting in my craft room at present gathering dust!
The inspiration to write this novel came to me very simply when I was looking out the window daydreaming for a moment. I was working on planting the bank with ground cover and what a job that was. I was sore and tired and imagined myself as a slave forced to work at that pace daily. The first sentence of my book came to me "The wind swept through my hair and gave me a chill." It totally spring boarded from there, but I quickly lost momentum. I would have little twinklings of inspiration now and again and I would quickly write them on scrap pieces of paper. I have a whole box of them. The worst was when I wouldn't have a pen or paper to write with. (Back then I had no iphone with voice record). Now I have no excuse, but the ideas won't flow. I go back in forth in time in my story, I focus on different characters, I'm a mess! I wish the story would come to me in order, beginning, middle and end!
How do you write a novel? I have done research and there's plenty of advice out there. How do I make myself finish? Do I need to hire someone to threaten me? Would that do it? I thought that telling others would make me more motivated because they were expecting me to finish. That didn't do it, that just embarrassed me when they asked how it's coming along. My husband even found an audio file from family guy where Stewie is talking to Brian the dog about his Novel. Argh, if you don't know what I'm talking about, google it, it's terrible! I always feel so disappointed when I hear it, I smile, but on the inside I'm thinking...failure!!
I've tried scheduling it. They say you should schedule time to be creative and then you'll get stuff done. A schedule, for something that happens randomly...I laugh! I don't believe you can make yourself be creative. I'm not like that and I don't think most people can force themselves to think of things. Or can you? Maybe it's my environment or the tools? I've thought of that. I have a craft room, I have about a million pens and that damn laptop.
Don't even get me started on how much stuff everyone owns! Wait, what was I talking about in the first place? Oh, that's right, my novel...ya, I'll get to it someday!!
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