Day 4

Today is Veteran's day and today I'm thankful for those that serve. It's a tough job, one I would not want, and one I don't think I could do. No matter what your political views are and how you feel about the military in general, it's a tough job!! You have to go where the president says you go and you can't have an opinion about it. You risk your lives for others without blinking an eye. You keep us safe during times of crisis. Thank you and May God bless you all!

I am thankful to live in this country. It's not perfect but it's what I have and I'm proud of it. I am an immigrant from another country and I was so proud of becoming a citizen of these great United States, I cried! Such a proud day! We can make it through these tough times I know it. Back to basics living will humble us and make us stronger people. We need to live like they did before us, making due, being creative and honorable. Sometimes I feel these characteristics are lacking on today's society and in this generation. I am giving up a lot to produce as I call it "A good citizen of the world" in my home. I'm constantly trying to shape my son's behavior to make him accountable. I wish everyone did, because no one is going to help you unless you help yourself and being uncaring and spoiled is no way to live!

So here's to you the American Soldier, you are tough, unspoiled and caring for us all in this great nation, Thank you for all you do for us, even though we don't deserve it.

This is my one of my best friends' purse on my table, she's over tonight to babysit while my husband and I have date night.


Today I'm thankful for my friends. I'm happy that people like me enough to spend time with me and help me in times of need. I have found so many times that friendship is a more truer love that that of family. I believe this is true because there is no obligation in the bond of friendship. In family there is a an obligation and not necessarily a desire to do good. With family you HAVE to love each other, with friends there is a freedom and a fleeting that if you are not treated with dignity you can break the bond easily. I feel like in friendship you always need to be on your best behavior because it's not guaranteed like family can be. You try, you have to nurture, or you are forgotten. All good things in life must be worked at and not given freely, then you truly know their value.

Day 2:

I am thankful that I have to get up at this God awful hour because I have a job. I am thankful that I have the money to buy coffee, that I awoke with relatively no pain. I am thankful that my little boy made it through the night. He's such a good boy even though he's getting sick. I have many things to reflect upon this early in the morning. It's only 2 days and I'm beginning to see a pattern whereby the little things in life make us happy and bring us joy. These "things" in our lives, I'll call them markers are pathways to the sentiment behind them. Like I said previously, health, family, security, and prosperity may be the secret pathways to happiness.

30 days of gratitude

I heard about this challenge on Facebook. It's very simple, 3o days of gratitude. I started today while getting back from a run this morning. I took a picture of my shoes. It's so weird, I know but I think it's a good way to start, from the ground up.

I am thankful for my shoes for many reasons. I have feet to put the shoes on. I can walk and run without pain. I had enough money to buy the shoes. I can see their color, and they are comfortable.

I was disappointed in my run this morning because I had to walk for part of it. That's okay, I guess since I was out for 2 weeks with a cold and felt like I was going to die. I was so happy during the running part of the 4 miles because I felt so alive and hardly coughed. I think this 30 day challenge is a great way to increase the positive energy in my life and a way to change my thinking. It's so easy to be jaded in this life and to be depressed. I am a work in progress...day one!

When I grow up...

I don't know if I'm grown up yet. That is such a weird thing to admit. First I wonder what grown-up means? Does it mean that you are rich and successful and have it all together? Hmm, or does it mean I am doing exactly what I want to do, living where I should and on my way to enlightenment?

I simply don't think I'm there yet. I'm almost 35 and I have no idea if this is what I want to be. I do have some fun at work but not everyday and mostly I'm just frustrated at work. This body is not mine, I'm sure of it. This lumpy mess of me isn't really me, but I have no drive to change that. I want to be comfortable and that's my problem. I don't want to change a thing because I'm scared.

Oh, boy! Time for the truth now. I don't want to make any waves or disappoint anyone, especially myself so I keep myself mediocre on purpose. Wow, revelation! Yes, no one expects much of me because I don't want to stand out or have people expect I'll keep being outstanding. We went to a work awards dinner and some people got recognized for being exceptional and I didn't. My husband commented that he was surprised I didn't get anything and I told him that I wasn't surprised and never expected to win. Ahh, there are my expectations, zero! He said, but, I thought you were a really good worker. I stopped and pondered, and told him that I was a very good worker, I just didn't really tell anyone or talk about it, I just kept my head down and did my job. I don't want to be in the limelight and I don't want the responsibility that comes with it. The really jacked up thing is that a little voice inside me thinks I do like attention just fine. I never want to put myself out there because I'm afraid of being rejected. I'm afraid to lose!

I never expected this post to be a therapy session, but here it is! I'm always thinking that something is missing, but what if there isn't anything missing and this is it. This is as good as it gets! Would I be happy with that? The answer, maybe? My husband told me once to act like you are dying tomorrow, what would I change if I could.

1. I want a nicer job. I work like a dog at work and I'm so tired, I'd like an easier job. Just not sure what that is yet?

2. I would have wished I read more and watched t.v. less.

3. I wished I would have spent more time outside.

4. I would wish I finished my son's baby book. (still not finished, but maybe this will prompt me.)

I'm sure this list will grow...I'll get back to you on how this is working. Just don't expect much of me because I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone.

Starting something again...

I love to start things but hate to finish them. Most of the world is like this. What is it about the beginning that is so appealing? I love the beginning of a new relationship, or starting a new project. I love all the preparation and excitement that goes on in my head. I have all the supplies, and everything is laid out, now lets start! So much fun. The creative juices are starting to flow, it looks great! Flash forward to about 2 weeks in...It's a chore to keep going at the same speed, my ideas are running out and I have nowhere else to run to. So frustrating!! I am starting this blog to discuss my addictions, misgivings, and imperfections and maybe as I grow and figure somethings out I can teach others along the way.

I started a Novel, yes, a novel last year. I told myself that I would finish it in one year. It became a huge task. The research alone was daunting! I wanted to make a period piece. It's what I love and am drawn to, so as they say, do what you love. I wasn't loving the work so much. I love the story I've created but am so focused on the details that I'm not enjoying it anymore. My husband bought me a laptop because I insisted I needed my own instrument for writing. It's sitting in my craft room at present gathering dust!

The inspiration to write this novel came to me very simply when I was looking out the window daydreaming for a moment. I was working on planting the bank with ground cover and what a job that was. I was sore and tired and imagined myself as a slave forced to work at that pace daily. The first sentence of my book came to me "The wind swept through my hair and gave me a chill." It totally spring boarded from there, but I quickly lost momentum. I would have little twinklings of inspiration now and again and I would quickly write them on scrap pieces of paper. I have a whole box of them. The worst was when I wouldn't have a pen or paper to write with. (Back then I had no iphone with voice record). Now I have no excuse, but the ideas won't flow. I go back in forth in time in my story, I focus on different characters, I'm a mess! I wish the story would come to me in order, beginning, middle and end!

How do you write a novel? I have done research and there's plenty of advice out there. How do I make myself finish? Do I need to hire someone to threaten me? Would that do it? I thought that telling others would make me more motivated because they were expecting me to finish. That didn't do it, that just embarrassed me when they asked how it's coming along. My husband even found an audio file from family guy where Stewie is talking to Brian the dog about his Novel. Argh, if you don't know what I'm talking about, google it, it's terrible! I always feel so disappointed when I hear it, I smile, but on the inside I'm thinking...failure!!

I've tried scheduling it. They say you should schedule time to be creative and then you'll get stuff done. A schedule, for something that happens randomly...I laugh! I don't believe you can make yourself be creative. I'm not like that and I don't think most people can force themselves to think of things. Or can you? Maybe it's my environment or the tools? I've thought of that. I have a craft room, I have about a million pens and that damn laptop.

Don't even get me started on how much stuff everyone owns! Wait, what was I talking about in the first place? Oh, that's right, my novel...ya, I'll get to it someday!!