When I grow up...

I don't know if I'm grown up yet. That is such a weird thing to admit. First I wonder what grown-up means? Does it mean that you are rich and successful and have it all together? Hmm, or does it mean I am doing exactly what I want to do, living where I should and on my way to enlightenment?

I simply don't think I'm there yet. I'm almost 35 and I have no idea if this is what I want to be. I do have some fun at work but not everyday and mostly I'm just frustrated at work. This body is not mine, I'm sure of it. This lumpy mess of me isn't really me, but I have no drive to change that. I want to be comfortable and that's my problem. I don't want to change a thing because I'm scared.

Oh, boy! Time for the truth now. I don't want to make any waves or disappoint anyone, especially myself so I keep myself mediocre on purpose. Wow, revelation! Yes, no one expects much of me because I don't want to stand out or have people expect I'll keep being outstanding. We went to a work awards dinner and some people got recognized for being exceptional and I didn't. My husband commented that he was surprised I didn't get anything and I told him that I wasn't surprised and never expected to win. Ahh, there are my expectations, zero! He said, but, I thought you were a really good worker. I stopped and pondered, and told him that I was a very good worker, I just didn't really tell anyone or talk about it, I just kept my head down and did my job. I don't want to be in the limelight and I don't want the responsibility that comes with it. The really jacked up thing is that a little voice inside me thinks I do like attention just fine. I never want to put myself out there because I'm afraid of being rejected. I'm afraid to lose!

I never expected this post to be a therapy session, but here it is! I'm always thinking that something is missing, but what if there isn't anything missing and this is it. This is as good as it gets! Would I be happy with that? The answer, maybe? My husband told me once to act like you are dying tomorrow, what would I change if I could.

1. I want a nicer job. I work like a dog at work and I'm so tired, I'd like an easier job. Just not sure what that is yet?

2. I would have wished I read more and watched t.v. less.

3. I wished I would have spent more time outside.

4. I would wish I finished my son's baby book. (still not finished, but maybe this will prompt me.)

I'm sure this list will grow...I'll get back to you on how this is working. Just don't expect much of me because I wouldn't want to disappoint anyone.